Practical pointers for parents

If you were looking to hire an expert at something and an applicant told you they only had two years of experience to offer, you'd probably laugh them out of the room.

Well consider this...

Parenting: I have almost two years of experience at this point. I've learned so much and would like to share some tidbits with you all. Please don't laugh me out of the room.

1. Get dressed for your workday/special evening out at the last possible moment.
   Children have an unbelievable knack for making a mess all over clothes. Things to particularly watch for (depending on your child's age): spit up, actual vomit, poo/pee leaks, mucky hands, markers, and toothpaste (NOTE: toothpaste does not wash out well with just water!) Public Service Announcement: Workers of the world, take note -- Whether you have children of your own or not, please, do parents of the world a favour - let them know if there's spit up on their back before the meeting starts. 
2. Get used to repeating yourself.
   This one is pretty self explanatory.
3. Never vocalize your child's sleep habits.
   The very moment the words are out of your mouth, it's pretty much guaranteed that any pattern you've gotten used to will be out the window. Don't worry though, you'll still be able to brag about your little sweetheart sleeping through the night to your other parenting friends. The conversation will go something like this:
   
   Friend: "How are things going with little Johnny sleeping these days?"
   You: "I don't want to talk about it."
   Friend: "Really??!? That's awesome. So how many nights in a row?"
   
   See? It's like an unwritten code. Other parents just know.
4. Get used to hearing the same song over and over and over and over and ...
   Little know fact: The 'repeat' feature on stereos was originally developed because of toddlers.
5. Reduce your newspaper subscription to once per week.
   The very notion of reading an entire week's worth of news is laughable. Save yourself the money. Just get the weekend edition. Better cancel your magazine subscriptions while you're at it. Side note: Do start a subscription to at least one parenting magazine though...not for the parenting advice, but because babies and toddlers are obsessed with looking at other babies so a parenting magazine can sometimes buy you enough time to down one glass of wine - two if you're lucky.
6. Get used to repeating yourself.
   This one is pretty self explanatory.
7. Learn to appreciate the "distressed" look in furniture.
   As a parent, you will laugh when seeing dinged up tables selling for an arm and a leg at antique stores. You will smile knowing that you've achieved the exact same look just by seating your child at the dinner table each night - and it didn't cost you a dime!
8. Don't bother refinishing or re-carpeting your floors until after kindergarten.
   Take an empty pop bottle or milk jug. Tie a string around the widest part of it and suspend it from the ceiling so that the mouth of the bottle is facing you. Set the bottle in motion from side to side. Grab a bowl of infant cereal. Using a small spoon, attempt to get at least half of the infant cereal into the bottle (use whatever means of enticement you see necessary - train or plane noises may work in some instances). Now look at your floor. This is why you should wait until after kindergarten to re-do your floors. 
9. Kiss your personal space goodbye.
   If you're not busy explaining human anatomy to your kid because they decided to stand at the side of the tub while you shower (or, even better, while you pee), you'll be attempting to pry their head from your crotch as they bury it there at the approach of every single stranger you encounter.
10. Get used to repeating yourself.
    This one is pretty self explanatory. ;-)